The Maple Brief

An alternative guide to Canada

How long have you got? Canada has to be one of the most action packed places in the world. It's got mountains, beach, plains, and, best of all, the Arctic. A tourist exploiting the country to its fullest potential would be gone at least a year. A few paragraphs hardly does it justice. But I'll give it a shot.

Animal Spotting

Anything involving wild stuff is cool. So whether it's moose, whales, caribou, polar bears, buffalo, beavers or prairie dogs, you wanna watch it, Canada's got it. You've got to be careful though - if an animal like the Kodiak or polar bear spots you, you're basically dead. Better just stick to beavers.

Niagara Falls

Yes, these are awe-inspiring and beautiful. But after five minutes you're left thinking 'Now what?' and trying not to be the first person to say you're bored and wants to go home now. If you want to stretch out your stay, you can either visit the gaudily lit attractions on the main drag or get married. So it's kind of like Las Vegas with a water feature.

Ottawa

I love Ottawa. In London, the Parliament buildings are surrounded by policemen and three foot high cement barricades. In Ottawa, people play football in front of them and use the steps as goals. People also ice-skate to work along the city's Rideau Canal in winter, which is about as cool as commuting gets. The whole place is incredibly relaxed and actually has character, unlike other manufactured capitals such as Canberra which has none whatsoever.

Vancouver Island

Supposedly one of the coolest places in the whole of Canada. It has whales, Indians, deep forests, tranquil lakes - God probably modeled it on heaven. I'd love to go there, but seeing as Vancouver is further away from me than Norway, I think it'll be a while.

The Yukon

Just the name conjures up images of Arctic wastes and howling winds. Another place I'd love to go to, if only because I've seen too many of those movies where people have to survive in the wilderness after a plane crash. It would be great to live on the edge of civilization, eking a living from the earth and its creatures. Only for a day or two though - I might get really cold.

The Rockies

These are absolutely massive and completely spectacular, and home to a funky mythical lake serpent called the Ogopogo (Canada's answer to the Loch Ness monster). They're also great for skiing - not that I've ever seen them...

To be honest, this whole list is a joke. Canadian Tourist Attractions? I've only seen southern Ontario! That's like writing a guide to Britain having been to Slough!!! I mean, it's pretty beautiful here (except Hamilton) but it pales in comparison to the rest of Canada. I'll do a country-wide tour, then I can write about how amazing this place is.