Eh? to Zed of Canada

A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z

A

Alberta

The province known for its proximity to the Rockies, as well as oil, cowboys, and the largest shopping mall in the world.

Acadia

An area near the Bay of Fundy in eastern Canada. Populated by French-speakers until 1755 when the British expelled them. 10,000 people left as refugees, of which more than 3,000 died. An entire culture was destroyed, and today only about 600 Acadians survive.

Alanis Morrisette

Her first album, Jagged Little Pill, was an inspired monument to bitterness. Now she's made a few million and could sell the Chicken Song if she re-recorded it, all her music's gone distinctly mediocre. She's even selling her CDs in Starbucks, which is a sell-out to the corporate culture she once so angrily denounced. How depressing.

B

Bryan Adams

A crusty Canadian rock star who strings together cliches like 'The Only Thing that Looks Good on Me is You' with filler words like 'Yeah' and 'Baby', all to crashing guitar riffs that go on for at least 10 minutes (or so it seems).

British Columbia

Canada's most westerly province. Known for its rainforests and rich native Canadian culture, as well as hippies, pot and endless rain (well, you can't have everything).

Bagged milk

Milk doesn't come in bottles or cartons in Canada. No, it comes in bags. The trick is to buy a milk jug that fits the bag exactly (these are handily available pretty much everywhere), stick the bag in and snip off the top corner. Environmentally speaking, it's brilliant - there's definitely a knack to it though.

C

Chesterfield

A sofa. Don't ask me where the name came from.

Cottage

Something every Canadian owns, normally on a lake. The entire country retreats to its cottages on summer weekends, turning the 401 and other major highways into one big parking lot.

Calgary

One of the biggest cities in Alberta (q.v.). Sitting between the plains and the Rockies, you can choose between the annual stampede (which involves rodeos, lassoing, hoedowns and all that cowboy stuff) or skiing and hiking with amazing views. Good wholesome fun either way.

Coffee Crisp

A chocolate bar with wafer. It combines coffee and chocolate and, therefore, is a Very Good Thing.

Ceran Wrap

Clingfilm to the Brits. To everyone else, well, I guess it's just plastic film that clings to your bowls and plates to keep your food fresh (Ceran, by the way, is a brand name. So is Glad, but if you say 'glad wrap' you'll look like a tourist).

Celine Dion

Sings in both English and French, and is therefore the music of choice for the politically correct Canadian. For all other Canadians, she takes herself far too seriously and her songs go on for about three minutes more than they ought to. Ought to be projected into space simply for singing the Titanic theme tune.

D

Degrassi Junior High

One of the few 'all-Canadian' shows that was actually broadcast in Britain, so I was able to watch it growing up. Your average angst-filled school drama, which (probably because it's Canadian) has achieved cult status. There's now a 'Degrassi: The Next Generation' being aired, although it doesn't look like it'll get as far as its predecessor.

E

Elk

A reindeer-like creature complete with majestic antlers (in the males, anyway). A resident of the North, so most Canadians will never see one - but it's nice to know they're there.

F

Football

There's American football and Canadian football - both seem to involve breaks every 30 seconds for the commercials, so I have no idea what the difference is between them. I'm sure there is one though.

G

Geese

The Canadian kind, of course. More like a cross between a swan and a goose, with brown and white bodies and a long, black neck with a white ?necklace?. Very numerous and pretty, but they tend to poo all over beaches and cause e.coli outbreaks. So a bit of a pest really.

Graham Crackers

Nearly all recipes for Canadian desserts call for crushed graham (pronounced 'gram') crackers. I've yet to hear of anyone eating the things whole (although they come in a breakfast cereal too). They're about the size of a Ryvita, and are apparently made of honey and wheat - although it tastes like there's something else in there too. Ominously, one of the ingredients is listed simply as 'Graham'.

Gilles Duceppe

Leader of the Bloc Quebecois party, whose sole aim is to separate from Canada. So Duceppe isn't going to win any awards for Number One Canadian. It doesn't help that he has an evil stare. Look into his eyes...are you feeling sleepy?

H

Hockey

Not 'ice hockey'. After all, what other kind of hockey is there? What - are you telling me some people play it on grass? What kind of weird-ass sport is that?

I

Indian Giver

Someone who gives you something, with the apparent intention of letting you keep it as a gift, but then asks for it back later. Presumably this stems from some Native Canadian tradition, but I don?t know which one.

J

Jack Layton

Leader of the NDP, the most left-leaning mainstream party in Canada. It did pretty well in the last election, but only by taking votes from the Liberals. It therefore helped to get the Conservatives into power. Way to achieve your political objectives, Jack.

K

Kraft Dinner

Don't let anyone tell you the Canadians can't cook. Kraft Dinner alone is proof. Sure, it looks like yellow nutrition-free plastic, but it tastes like processed cheese and is therefore delicious (if you look really hard there's also macaroni in there).

L

Leonard Cohen

Canada's poet. Wrote classics like 'Hallelujah' which has a great tune and is based on King David from the Old Testament. He's been in the news a lot lately for becoming a Buddhist and then, completely unintentionally, going broke (Leonard Cohen, that is - not King David).

M

Maple Syrup

The best thing Canada ever did for the world. This stuff is amazing. Don't be fooled by the Aunt Jemima rubbish - the real thing comes from a tree and is actually nutritious. It should therefore be a staple food. Tastes delicious, nay heavenly, over blueberry pancakes.

Manitoba

Known for its friendly people (although I fail to see how that distinguishes it from the rest of Canada). You can be boring and hang around the south, or you can go and see the cool wildlife stuff in the north - things like whales, polar bears, and Northern Lights. The name comes from the Ojibwa word Manitou, meaning 'Great Spirit', something beyond human understanding but always present and real.

Moose

A huge, majestic and imposing creature, with the IQ of a speck of lint. Its goofiness is almost charming. It would rarely, if ever, harm a human, but if you slam your car into its spindly legs, its massive body will come hurtling through your windscreen. In that sense, moose cause several deaths a year.

N

Newfies

Canadian for 'people from Newfoundland' (pronounced 'Nufunlun'). Almost all Newfies are of Scottish or Irish descent, and the resulting Celtic-Canadian accent is almost impossible to understand. The people are known for their warmth and friendliness, but unfortunately their employment rate isn't doing too well since the fisheries ran out of fish in 1992.

Nanaimo Bars

Named after a town on Vancouver Island. It consists of chocolate, coconut, graham crackers (q.v.), custard and almonds, all in three layers. When you bite into the bar, custard conveniently shoots out the sides and onto your newly washed t-shirt.

North West Territories

A great place to go if you want to see glaciers, Northern Lights, and caribou, or go dog-sledding or mountain-climbing. The sun never sets in summer (all night party!!), and if you want to drive for days and never see another soul, this is your province.

New Brunswick

As neighbours of Quebec, the inhabitants of New Brunswick are known for their bilingualism - so call centres were a big employer in the province until the recent exodus to India. NB's Bay of Fundy is home to lots and lots of whales. It's also famous for its seafood.

Nova Scotia

Facing New Brunswick across the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia is famous for its breathtaking scenery and the completely incomprehensible accents of its inhabitants. Nova Scotia contains Acadia (q.v.), lots of whales (again), and vast amounts of Scottish and Irish people (thanks to a few potato famines and Scotland's interminably awful food). The whole mix of French, Celtic and Native gives the province a very distinctive culture.

Nunavut

Nunavut means 'Our Land' in the native Inuktitut language. It's Canada's newest territory, formed in 1999 in one of the biggest land settlements (ie giving land back to the natives) in the country's history. Nunavut is massive - it covers one-fifth of Canada, stretching from halfway up the country all the way to Greenland. Governed and largely populated by natives, it has a rich and ancient history, but the language is the best part. Here's a sample: qarasaujaup naqittautaa (Inuktitut for 'keyboard').

Niagara Falls

Yes, these are awe-inspiring and beautiful. But after five minutes you're left thinking 'Now what?' and trying not to be the first person to say you're bored and wants to go home now. If you want to stretch out your stay, you can either visit the gaudily lit attractions on the main drag or get married. So it's kind of like Las Vegas with a water feature.

O

Oh Henry

A chocolate bar consisting of chocolate, fudge, caramel (pronounced 'carmel' in Canada) and almonds. Another fine creation, which also comes in white chocolate and maple syrup flavours (sounds heart-stoppingly sugary). Named after the boy who used to come and help in the factory. Whenever the factory girls wanted anything, they would call 'Oh Henry!'

O Canada

'O Canada/Our home and native land/true patriot love/in all thy sons command' - the first four lines of Canada's national anthem, and pretty much the only part any Canadian knows by heart. Great tune, and the lyrics were (ironically, considering Quebec is constantly on the verge of secession) written by a Frenchman, Adolphe-Basile Routhier.

Ontario

This was Canada's richest province until Alberta struck oil. Now the Premier (head of the provincial government) spends most of the time whingeing about how Alberta is so much better off. Ontario is known (in the rest of Canada) as the province that thinks it's the centre of the universe, full of stressed-out executives running the rat race. They should see England then. London is Toronto on speed.

Ornery

A very weird North American word, possibly used in England in times gone by, meaning 'stubborn and awkward: acting like a grumpy old man'. Try it in conversation today and make yourself look clever.

P

Pemmican

A Native Canadian (specifically, Cree) delicacy consisting of caribou meat, berries and fat pounded together and dried. Sounds disgusting, but this is what kept the early traders going on their long hikes, and wars were fought over it.

Poutine

Good for people with a cholesterol deficiency. It's basically gravy poured over fries, for those who feel themselves above (or below?) ketchup. Why people enjoy this will forever be one of the mysteries of the universe.

PEI

Ah, the home of Anne of Green Gables and the humble potato. And, er, that's about it. Oh, and Stompin' Tom Connors, some Canadian folk singer famous for tapping his foot. Prince Edward Island fishermen are always in the papers for suing the federal government or something (the island is fairly poor), and in the winter it's even more freezing than the rest of Canada. Most people go in, check out Anne's house, then get out again as soon as possible.

Paul Martin

Canada's Prime Minister until January 2006, a Liberal (politically central with a whiff of left), and famous for being completely indecisive. Canada wants American protection from possible nuclear attack. Now it doesn't. Now Quebec has objected, so it definitely doesn't. Did everything to keep his minority government in power, but was eventually voted out. The fact that millions of dollars of public money found its way into Liberal party accounts while he was finance minister might have had something to do with it.

Pontiac

Native leader of a famous rebellion in Ontario in the late 1700s (the car named after him is now more famous than he is). As the British pushed into the Canadian interior and started infringing on native lands, Pontiac fought back. At the peace talks, it was agreed the British were just tenants on native land. But, in true British fashion, they said the right thing then went ahead and did what they wanted anyway.

Q

QEW

The motorway leading from Niagara Falls (q.v.) to Toronto. Makes traveling a complete breeze, unless there's an accident (prompting everyone to rubberneck - Canadian motorists will stop and stare at anything) or it's rush hour, in which case you?ll be stuck in a traffic jam outside Toronto for, oh, the next twenty years.

Quebec

The politically correct definition: a Canadian province in which the official language is French, with a rich Francophone culture and fabulous European cafes. The un-PC version: the province known for its constant whingeing and nagging for federal handouts. Many Quebeckers want to become their own country, but there are two tiny problems: (a) Quebec would plunge into bankruptcy if it wasn't for handouts, extra-provincial investment and trade with America - all of which would cease at separation, and (b) the native Canadians, who form 50% of the population and like being part of Canada. Just tiny problems, though.

R

Regular

If you ordered your coffee this way in Canada, you'd get a medium-sized coffee right? Well, you would, but you'd also have one cream and one sugar with it. That's what a regular coffee is here. I learned that the hard way.

S

Skidoo

Another word for a snowmobile. Like a jetski on snow, Canadians (especially in more remote areas) use these for fun and transport throughout the winter, but there's always the odd accident where somebody forgets to look out for that low-hanging tree branch. Nasty.

Smores

A Canadian campfire favourite. To make a smore, melt chocolate and marshmallow together between two graham crackers (q.v.). Then shove the big sticky mess into your cakehole, trying not to smear everything with edible adhesive in the process.

Saskatchewan

Also known as the prairies, also known as Canada's bread-basket, also known as the flattest place in the entire country. Freezing in winter and blazing in summer, this province is home to the world's largest wheat sculpture and a giant tomahawk. Notably not in '1001 places to see before you die'.

Stephen Harper

Leader of the Conservative Party and voted in as Canada's Prime Minister in January 2006. Canadians are deeply suspicious of Conservatives, fearing they'll sell out to the US or be like the neo-cons there. Stephen Harper has turned out okay so far, but he's still in 'let's wait and see' territory. He should tread carefully.

T

Tim Horton's

The first words learned by every newcomer (and newborn) in Canada, kind of like 'Manchester United' or 'David Beckham' in England. If you don't have at least one Timmy's a day, then you're not really Canadian. In fact, stirring up feelings of patriotism is the coffee chain's entire marketing strategy (it has a 70% share of the Canadian market). It was founded by an ex-hockey player who then died in a car crash tragically young. Hockey, coffee and tragedy combined - no wonder it's a hit in Canada.

Trick

Fancy or snazzy in some way.

Toque

A wooly hat. Also one of those things you see cartoon moose-hunters wear, or possibly buskers playing Andean pipes. Either way, it keeps your ears from turning black and falling off in -30 degree weather. Who cares if you look like Elmer Fudd?

Turtles

Little round chocolates containing pecans and caramel. They look as much like little rocks as they do turtles, so I'm not too sure about the name. I suppose 'Little Rocks' doesn?t have quite the same flair though.

Terry Fox

There's nothing Canadians like better than someone who overcomes the odds. Especially if the story also involves tragedy. Enter Terry Fox, a 23 year old who lost most of his right leg to bone cancer, yet decided to run across the entire country anyway. He got as far as Thunder Bay (about halfway across Canada), before the cancer returned, this time to his lungs. He died soon after. A yearly run is now held in his name to raise funds for cancer research. A true Canadian hero.

Timbits

Canadians love Tim Horton's (q.v.). They also love doughnuts. So any doughnut (or in this case, doughnut hole) named after Tim Horton's is bound to be a hit. These things are so popular they come in packs of twenty and a bewildering number of flavours.

U

USA

The accent, the shopping, a lot of the culture - Canada is similar to the US in lots of ways. Don't tell that to a Canadian, though, unless you want to be pelted with Timbits (q.v.). Because the country defines itself as 'not America', Canada embraces lots of the things America opposes - gun restrictions, soft drugs, gay rights, civil liberties, peace - that kind of thing.

V

Vancouver

The most beautiful city in Canada, surrounded by natural wonders and meticulously planned. Now they just have to do something about their rampant drug and prostitution problem. I think they're working on it.

W

Wild Rice

Not actually rice, but a subaquatic plant originally cultivated by native Canadians. It's black and takes forever to cook, but is exceptionally tasty and far better for you than white rice. Recommended with Canadian salmon.

Wayne Gretzky

The man. The myth. The legend. Wayne Gretzky is officially one of the greatest Canadian hockey players that ever lived, becoming his town's top scorer by the age of 11 and signing to the Edmonton Oilers at 17. Alas, like most great Canadian products, he was sold to the Americans ten years later. Now 44, he's recently signed as coach to the Phoenix Coyotes. He's recently been implicated in a gambling scandal - so the pedestal has wobbled, but he hasn't fallen off yet. He probably never will.

William Shatner

Yes, he's Canadian. Star of the original Star Trek, as well as T J Hooker and, more recently, Kellogg's Bran Flakes ads. Looking a bit jowly these days (actually, he's downright puffy - I sense the hand of cosmetic surgery), but still the hero of geeks everywhere.

X

Y

Yukon

Just the name conjures up images of Arctic wastes and howling winds. Usually the setting of movies where people have to survive in the wilderness after a plane crash and get chased by bears and stuff. Like most north Canadian provinces, it has a lot of native culture and plenty of snow. This is probably where you should go if you want to see a polar bear.

Z

Zamboni

Named after its inventor, Frank J Zamboni, this is the cool machine that people drive around the ice rink to resurface it. It basically heats the ice, scrapes off a layer, and puts down a new layer of heated water that refreezes into nice, flat, ice. If you've never skated on completely virgin ice, you haven't lived.