Constantine

If your idea of a good film is staring at the screen for two hours with a look of complete incomprehension on your face, then go and see Constantine. It's the silliest and least credible film I've seen in a long time.

It's supposed to be based on a character from a Goth comic, but the cinematography doesn't have any of the cool comic style of Batman or Spiderman. Instead, it uses CGI and cheesy Catholic imagery to cover up a threadbare plot and implausible characters.

Keanu Reeves plays Constantine, a sort of anti-superhero whose job it is to exorcise demons and keep them out of the mortal world. Reeves was successful in The Matrix because he does one look very well: that of someone deeply disturbed by forces he can see but everyone else can't. The trouble is, it is just one look - he never changes his expression, and sometimes he just looks confused. It's a fine line between Constantine and Bill and Ted.

He's also meant to be a 40-year-old smoker who's dying of lung cancer. The trouble is, he still looks 21 and like he's just come out of a health farm. Spitting blood under yellowish lighting does little to hide that fact.

His mission is to save Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz) from becoming the victim of a sort of immaculate conception that will bring the son of the devil into the world. Together they also seek to find out what happened to Angela's twin sister, who apparently killed herself. The link between these two plotlines is far from clear.

As Reeves and Weisz go through the film they encounter various angels and demons, most of whom have little connection to the plot. Gabriel (Tilda Swinton) seems to have been put there to suggest the unoriginal idea that angels are androgynous, and also to look cool. She fails. Balthazar, one of the chief demons (played by Gavin Rossdale), looks very high-powered and sinister. But, like the rest of the supporting cast, what he's doing there is anyone's guess.

The thin and unconnected strands of storyline are punctuated by ridiculous Catholic gimmickry, like Constantine's crucifix-shaped gun. Then there's the mirrors, the amulets, the holy water, the tattoos, the anti-Bible - you name it. Fair enough if they tell a story, but these symbols are as disconnected as the plot. It’s like hearing about someone else's dream, and about as interesting.

There are moments of promise in the movie, for example when it turns out Dodson’s sister left a message for her before she died, but, disappointingly, these only lead to the next lame piece of plot. It's not even so bad it's good. It's just very very mediocre, and leaves you with a vague feeling of wanting your money back. My advice would be not to spend it in the first place.

Photos courtesy of Warner Bros

Constantine at IMDB